Short Life Funny Quotes General

With so much humor in the world, we’ve collected short life funny quotes from a wide range of famous writers, celebrities and thinkers. Check out these funny quotes to help you get through today.

Life Funny Quotes
Short Life Funny Quotes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen

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Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.  – Anonymous

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A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford

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Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse. – Thomas Stephen Szasz

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Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes on Life

I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here. – Arthur C. Clarke

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Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You’d have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I’m not dead. – Tom Stoppard

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Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking

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Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans. – Raheel Farooq

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humorous quotes
Funny Quotes on Life

Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got. – Art Buchwald

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The planet is fine. The people are fucked. – George Carlin

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If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? – Albert Einstein

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Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres

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I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. – Woody Allen

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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein

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Funny uotes about life lessons
Funny Quotes about Life Lessons

Books say: She did this because. Life says: She did this. Books are where things are explained to you; life is where things aren’t. I’m not surprised some people prefer books. – Julian Barnes

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If the real world were a book, it would never find a publisher. Overlong, detailed to the point of distraction – and ultimately, without a major resolution. – Jasper Fforde

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If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.   – Terry Pratchett

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Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. – Robert Benchley

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Famous Joke in Life
Funny Quotes on Life

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston S Churchill

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If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld

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Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles M. Schulz

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If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

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Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A Heinlein

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Most funny quotes about life
Very Funny Quotes on Life

Very Funny Quotes on Life 

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. – Charles Bukowski

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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.  – Rodney Dangerfield

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Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers

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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carey

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Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

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You know what I like most about people? Pets. – Jarod Kintz

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Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.- Terry Pratchett

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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.– W C Fields

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I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.   – Bill Maher

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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. – Mark Twain

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If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright

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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin

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There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. – Mindy Kaling

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Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. – William Goldman

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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. – Isaac Asimov

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin

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Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. – Markus Herz

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Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. – Laurell K. Hamilton

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A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford

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Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. – Anonymous

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I can resist everything exept temptation. – Oscar Wilde

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I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams

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Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. – Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

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A hangover is the wrath of grapes. – Dorothy Parker

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. – Woody Allen

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Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.-  Albert Einstein

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield

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To get back my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. – Oscar Wilde

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I’d rather be a rising ape than a falling angel. – Terry Pratchett

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I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. –Winston S Churchill

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If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.  – Albert Einstein

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Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. – William Goldman

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Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay.- Christopher Hitchens

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There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. – Albert Einstein

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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. – Dave Barry

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Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a Ride!’ – Hunter S. Thompson

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It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life. – Terry Pratchett

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We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. – Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

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If you don’t know where you’re going, any road’ll take you there – George Harrison

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When I was your age, television was called books. – William Goldman

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All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. – Chuck Palahniuk

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I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. – Douglas Adams

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You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing. – Henry Louis Mencken

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes. – Jack Handey

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